The ramblings of a hypochondriac

Between writing about ethical dilemmas and mental health issues I seem to have completely forgotten some time ago I use to enjoy writing, one might even say aspire to become a writer. But between my horrible grammar and inability to spell that dream is long been forsaken. Despite the constant reminders from educators that I simply cannot string sentences together I still find myself enjoying writing. Aimless writing about nothing and everything. I guess my purpose to write is never to inform, educate or even argue. I did it because simply I enjoyed it. Not because I need to prove to someone else that somehow I was smart enough to articulate my thoughts.

Of recent I have realised that maybe I was dyslexic. I may have a mild form of it. How did I come to this conclusion? I wish I could tell you I came to this conclusion due to my expert knowledge on the matter and I feel that I have some symptoms. But in actual fact I believe that I have this illness or disability because I simply struggle to read and edit my work properly. And I know this may be my own hypochondriac speaking but it would make sense.

Nevertheless this could be a something I could look into. I could of course get a test done. If I continue with this what do I achieve? Well it improve my writing? Would it improve my spelling? Would it make me feel less stupid? I have no idea! I have no idea if the test will do anything, if it turns out that I do in fact have dyslexia this could potentially help me deal with my problems. However if I do the test and find out I am perfectly fine and then I am stuck with my failings. And my dream of being a writer is never going become true.

I don't even know how I can go about checking whether I have issues with this. I also want to do this without the knowledge of family members and friends because I don't people marginalising me even though they already think I am not the brightest bulb. Maybe I am using the potential diagnosis as a way of realising the possibility that I may never ever be a published writer. And maybe my educators are right, I cannot for the life of me string a grammatically correct sentence together not because I have some undiagnosed disorder but simply because I am not the brightest bulb and it is something that I have deal with it.